Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”

Body by cheese-puffs.

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.