@Fred_Delicious

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

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@david8hughes

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

@ScobeyWanKenobi

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

@dafloydsta

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

@fightforfood

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

@jellybnbonanza

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

@KevinFarzad

It’s nice to know that even people who are running for President are shitty at answering “What is your greatest weakness?”

@ddsmidt

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

@TweetPotato314

me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

@squirrel74wkgn

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

@eminmien

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.