Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
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I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
next level snooze
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
My dad.