Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
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Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
It’s nice to know that even people who are running for President are shitty at answering “What is your greatest weakness?”
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.