Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

Always 🥴

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

ACED my prostate exam!

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…