WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.