WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
😭😭😭
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.