Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

*seductively eats two tums*

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.