Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

is it earth

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.