Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

Sign of the day..

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

channeling her this year

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

😂💯

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen