Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The legends were true

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

Nobody:

Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did