Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that