Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
going to the ER y’all need anything
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125