Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.

Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.

File under excellent bookstore names.

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.