Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

I like long walks away from everyone

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

Living the best life.. 😊

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!

Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

I have a new favorite meme page