Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

There’s no “u” in narcissist

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

this has to be peak English

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

That’s no pocket rocket.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.