Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.