Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

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I always scoop out the center of my bagels, because who needs 50 empty calories worth of bread when I can replace them with a 500 calorie moat of cream cheese?


When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.


Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.


Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before


Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later


How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?


Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.


We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol


flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury