@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

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@Maxine12333

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

@liv_thatsme

I always scoop out the center of my bagels, because who needs 50 empty calories worth of bread when I can replace them with a 500 calorie moat of cream cheese?

@ImLeslieChow

When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.

@bourgeoisalien

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

@SortaBad

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

@ieatanddrink

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

@superdollman

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

@Dawn_M_

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

@sammylynn_

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

@prufrockluvsong

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury