‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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I always scoop out the center of my bagels, because who needs 50 empty calories worth of bread when I can replace them with a 500 calorie moat of cream cheese?
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
fa: thimble of soda
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury