@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

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@Proxic0n

SCIENTIST: Behold
The self-esteem powered car! Come take it for a drive

ME: uh okay *gets in*

[CAR JUST LITERALLY FALLS APART]

@SSDated

You’re only as awkward as you say you are…out loud…in front of people…who were in a private conversation…that didn’t involve you.

@ElKnuckelhombre

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

@inmybox07

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

@bourgeoisalien

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

@offbeatoliv

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

@simoncholland

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

@girlnarly

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

@JohnLyonTweets

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.