Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

ㅤ

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”