Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?