waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
