waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
