Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

Last Monday I went to the gym and I’m proud to report I’m still en route

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”

My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!