Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

Wednesday

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.