waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
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I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Day 2 of my diet
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol