Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?