Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.