Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning

Me: Haha, I saw that

Her: What?

Me: What?

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

ㅤ

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.