Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

new year update: losing everything but weight

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.