WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
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cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.