WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

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I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half


[God creating beards]
ADAM: God, I don’t like my face.
GOD: Tell ya what, buddy: I’ll cover it in pubes.
ADAM: What? That’s not—
GOD: Done.


VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year


After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.


*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*


The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.


Why are pilots so honest? Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. “We’re delayed because we’re winning a safety award.”


If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.


If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.


VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me