WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
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7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I forgot how to panic. Help
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”