Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
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I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.