Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
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I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
The dark side of Canada
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong