Waiter: what can I get you gentlemen

Friend: I’ll have a hamburger and he’ll have th-

Me: -dude I’m an adult I can order myself

Friend: okay sorry go ahead

Me: 69 orders of french fries please

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*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…


Neighbor: Awww! She’s adorable! What is she?

Me: A dog. Duh.



When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.


Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.


YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?


Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”


We’re adults. It’s bad enough we selfie. Don’t make it worse with the surprise face selfie


friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection


guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way


It’s all fun and games until you notice the “rocket” in your son’s Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.