I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
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HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Nomnomnomnom
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*