*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Waiter: what can I get you gentlemen
Friend: I’ll have a hamburger and he’ll have th-
Me: -dude I’m an adult I can order myself
Friend: okay sorry go ahead
Me: 69 orders of french fries please
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Neighbor: Awww! She’s adorable! What is she?
Me: A dog. Duh.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
We’re adults. It’s bad enough we selfie. Don’t make it worse with the surprise face selfie
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
It’s all fun and games until you notice the “rocket” in your son’s Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.