@Holy_Mowgli [police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
@SimplySnaccbar Waiter: what can I get you gentlemen
Friend: I’ll have a hamburger and he’ll have th-
Me: -dude I’m an adult I can order myself
Friend: okay sorry go ahead
Me: 69 orders of french fries please
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@Holy_Mowgli 
@Marcmywords2 Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
@FredTaming [ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
@trevso_electric I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
@behindyourback This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
@TheCatWhisprer Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
@Darlainky I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
@SoulYodeler Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
@Iwriteforcats Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
@Fred_Delicious Leonardo DiCaprisun