Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

The happy life.. 😊

This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

Siri: Retweet me.

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half