Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

God has abandoned us.

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”