Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
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Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.