Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

new career option?

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?