Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
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Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
there has never been a better use of this meme
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I put the mess in domestic.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Rather alarming headline…
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.