Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

the composer

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

Does beer think about me too?

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.