WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
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my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
Did my cat write this
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.