Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

thank god the sign was there

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

sometimes we need to be reminded

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information