Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
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Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Quadruple digit IQ
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
neighborhood watch
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
oh you like architecture? name three walls
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.