Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

even bears disappoint their mothers