Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?

Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

this is how life feels