WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
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It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
New nose
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies