Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

beauty:

beast:

beauty: *sips tea*

beast: *sips tea*

beauty:

beast:

beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—

beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY