Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!

Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.

The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

(grounding my kid) go outside.

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales