Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal