Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

Feels like the fourth month in January

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

“eat what’s in season” the health people said

Me:

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

Seems legit.

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga