waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
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Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir