waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
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The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
even bears disappoint their mothers
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
#oldknees
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.