waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
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Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
hardest line in real life
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.