Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.