waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
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If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Dune (2021)
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it