waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
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Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.