@mrjohndarby

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

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@sportswithjohn

Commentator just said that the rain “may just be the tears of a heartbroken nation,” which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of rain.

@DillDoes

“How’s your sexual history?”
Well doc, if i had to summarize it in one word it would be “deletable”

@Go2Slp

“Oh, beautiful. Just perfect. I wonder if I’ll be able to control myself… aaaand they’re gone.”

– Me with Thin Mints, and women.

@findmydolls

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

@TheUnrealMattR

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

@yaseen_moi

I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.

@TheRolo

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

@TitansHomer

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…