@mrjohndarby
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
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@sportswithjohn
Commentator just said that the rain “may just be the tears of a heartbroken nation,” which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of rain.
@DillDoes
“How’s your sexual history?”
Well doc, if i had to summarize it in one word it would be “deletable”
@Go2Slp
“Oh, beautiful. Just perfect. I wonder if I’ll be able to control myself… aaaand they’re gone.”
– Me with Thin Mints, and women.
@findmydolls
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
@TheUnrealMattR
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
@LynneMcCarthy
What do you call a group of kids?
….. a migraine
@yaseen_moi
I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.
@TheRolo
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
@TitansHomer
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…