waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
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how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Möther may I have a snäck
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!