waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

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Commentator just said that the rain “may just be the tears of a heartbroken nation,” which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of rain.


“How’s your sexual history?”
Well doc, if i had to summarize it in one word it would be “deletable”


“Oh, beautiful. Just perfect. I wonder if I’ll be able to control myself… aaaand they’re gone.”

– Me with Thin Mints, and women.


It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.


My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,


I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.


I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.


Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…