waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
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Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
choose your gary
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
as is their right
You look like you would fail a DNA test
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
This 4th of July, please remember…
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.