waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
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Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?