Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.