waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
You Might Also Like
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.