Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.