waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
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I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
you’re damn right i have
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I have so many questions.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.