waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
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[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.