waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
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Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”