waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
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Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Noah was an idiot.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women