You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Waiter: Will you be dining alone tonight, sir?
Me: Yes. And I can hear the judgment in your voice, garçon. Did my mom put you up to this?
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My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Happy birthday to all the women
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Oh look a Spider…… Oh look Listerine…. Oh look spider wiggling for life…. Minty fresh dead spider
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I am at my most drunk when I go from chat room to chat room yelling WHO STOLE MY POPTART!!