Waiter: Will you be dining alone tonight, sir?

Me: Yes. And I can hear the judgment in your voice, garçon. Did my mom put you up to this?

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My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.


You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese


JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair


My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.


<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!


Oh look a Spider…… Oh look Listerine…. Oh look spider wiggling for life…. Minty fresh dead spider


I am at my most drunk when I go from chat room to chat room yelling WHO STOLE MY POPTART!!