{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
You Might Also Like
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
This is Sparta
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?