Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
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BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.