Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
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if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Livid.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.