Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
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Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes