waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
You Might Also Like
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.