waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
You Might Also Like
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Asking the real questions!
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”