waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
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I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.