waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
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Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
how was your vacation
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire