waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
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9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.