waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
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The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
can’t talk my ride’s here
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.