waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
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*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.